Monday, June 14, 2010

John Tesh is the Most Irritating Man Alive

How did John Tesh get a radio show? That's what I want to know. Because I'm pretty sure that any other person in the world could be on the radio and be about ten thousand times less annoying than he is.

Why is he so obnoxious? Is it because he constantly tells me not to eat delicious, fatty foods because they are high in trans fat and refined sugar, and that I should instead snack on baby carrots? Well guesss what, John Tesh? I ALREADY KNOW THAT. I don't need you to tell me that. If I want to eat a chocolate croissant, I'M GOING TO EAT IT. I'm not going to replace it with a high fiber vegetable. Because that totally defeats the purpose.

Or is it because he tells me that eight hours of sleep is essential to maintain a healthy lifestyle? Oh wait, I ALREADY KNOW THAT. And I already know that exercising regularly is a good idea. Completely Sedentary Life=A Bad Idea. I KNOW THAT, JOHN TESH.

And so, the question remains: how on earth did this man get a radio show and become a nationally recognized figure? How?? HOW??? Why is it that a man who gives me "intelligence for my life" gives the most obvious, idiot-proof advice ever?


Oh, and he looks like a dumb-face. That's a picture of him. See what I mean?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Life's Great Secret

I am a dog-sitter. Here's what that entails: Every morning, I wake up bright and early and drive my mom to school so that I can have the car. Then I drive the longest way possible to the Eastside, because I refuse to drive on the freeway. Once there, I sit with the dog.

It is quite possible the best and easiest temporary job in the world. I literally, in every sense of the word, dog sit. The dog and I spend most of our day sitting on the ridiculously comfortable bed-couch combo and watching "True Blood," which is very, very addictive. Actually, I sit while he sleeps on my feet in fetal position (Feet-al position! Hahaha! Get it? Sorry. Unintentional pun.)

He is the perfect dog because he spends his time sleeping, lolloping around the yard, not barking, not being smelly (most of the time), and being pretty adorable in general. Really, the only kind of dog that I could spend long periods of time with. He doesn't do anything. It is great.

Or, when it is not raining, I put him on his leash, and together we explore and make new friends. This has lead me to discover one of life's great truths: Everyone wants to pet puppies. Even if they don't actually do it, they still want to. Which is why Judah (that's the puppy) and I make new friends. I merely have to take him somewhere and then sit down with him and people will flock to us! Because he is cute. And sometimes tries to climb in to my lap. Or puts his head on my knee. And basically is the most pet-able thing anywhere.

I think that a good idea would be for somebody to start a puppy dating service. They could have a whole bunch of really nice, non-smelly dogs, that single people could take on walks so as to meet people of the opposite sex. Because if you're walking a puppy, SOMEONE is going to pet it. And the odds are, eventually, that someone is going to be single and of the opposite sex. I think this is a good idea.

Or even not a dating service. Just a meeting-people service. Yeah, that would definitely work too.